Suicide: an epilogue
"I am at ease...Peace is who I am. Peace is what I send to you. Peace is what I am. Peace in balance I now. Finally, peace in balance."
Suicide.
A word that makes me cringe, an act that shakes me to my core, silences my voice, brings me to my knees when I think of people I have known who have ended their life.
With the gracious, explicit permission of a client of mine, I am sharing the transcription of a recent SoulJourney Energy Portrait I did of her daughter, Sam Simmerly, who took her own life many years ago. Her mother, Deb, hopes that reading this may help others whose loved ones died in this tragic way.
As usual, when working from a photo, I tuned in to the soul of the lovely young woman looking out at me.
I quickly became aware of a framework of bright, metallic gold and began drawing with my Sennelier metallic gold pastel stick. I have created other SoulJourney Energy Portraits of people who had passed, and knew that the form that appeared might not look like the typical portrait, with the stacked chakras of the energy moving through the body spilling out colorfully onto my black paper.
I felt Sam's presence and her words in my head and continued to fill in the paper with the colors and shapes that came to me as her spirit spoke to me and, as became clear, to her mother:
In this place, there is magnificence of balance, of balance of the peace that comes with balance.
You who find balance in a minute wherever you are do not know what a treasure it is to be able to do that. I, from so far away now, but yet always knowing where you are and how you are, am sending what blessings I, meager soul that I am. What blessings I can send to you? Every minute of my existence here in Blessed Holy balance I thank the Order of being, That Which causes all being to burn and blossom to flutter, to rage and celebrate all that is life. I give thanks every instant of my consciousness, which is unending now. There is no dreaming for dreaming is what. This is the boundless movement into time.. .haha...you know that's funny...and space, the boundless being that all is and in the connection that all is where I float, where I sing all joy, all being all connection. I cannot breathe but know that holiness of all being is the nature of life.
But I did not know that. How could I? Trapped in my human bondage to form and expectation -- my own! And longing. I couldn't know it and those of you who can know it, what a blessing. What a blessing! No strife is worth the torture; no longing more than the understanding and acceptance of what is can supersede…. I am having a hard time saying this. This is what I want to say to you. Life is. It is everything. I here am alive!
But this life. This life floats like this image here that you see, this image floating in a sea of complete potential. I float. I am my own dream. I exist in the dream of highest, highest peace, where nothing rubs against me. Nothing chides me, not even my own... what is 'my' here? ‘My’ is so thin.
I keep the idea of me for you. And it is no trouble at all. Because I am not done loving you.
I keep the idea of "I".
And it is permitted. Anything is permitted, anything, anything, anything for all that is, is! You cannot say that something that is, is not. It is laughable, like the phrase ‘illegitimate child.’ No child is illegitimate. So laughable and deeply disturbing that humans create these boundaries. For what? For ego. For greed. For ownership, for territory for sovereignty.
Sovereignty is the nature of all being. I know it. I feel it. I swim in it. Sovereignty is the essence of creation. That creation expands and droplets appear. Each droplet is sovereign.
But the ego of humanity's complex nature is the big Satan, is the big, little screw up built in to test us. And I could not survive that test. I did not understand that balance is inherent in every moment. All it takes is the ability to float a little bit as I now float in, suprematy. Is that a word? (In her response to me, Sam's mom wrote that Sam was always making up words.)
That's who I am now. I am at ease. And when you look at this image of gold and white, know that. It floats. It is, I know, on a flat surface, but imagine that it floats through all potential, and potential means all time, all space, all possible creations. This is who I am in great peace. Peace is who I am. Peace is what I send to you. Peace is what I am. Gloria, Gloria. Peace is what I am. Peace is what I am. Peace in balance, I now. Finally, peace in balance.
So more about balance. All it takes is a little loosening up of the joints. We are not, when we are in our human bodies, we are not screwed together tightly, like you would with a wrench, screwing it so tightly that not a drop of the gas or the water piping through can escape. We want that escape. It's the escape hatch that is the great blessing! There is always that escape hatch and I did not know it.
Ah, but now I do. The escape hatch is the loosening of the screws that we place around ourselves, that we place around ourselves to keep ourselves tightly wound so that nothing will escape because we don't know that it is what escapes that creates the balance. It is the pent up worry and wandering and determination to be a certain way. That is what needs to escape. And yet when, wherein that bind that is the thing we fear most. That is the thing we fight against most.
And when there is simply too much pressure built up because we cannot allow the escape hatch to be, then what choice do we have but to escape completely, which is what I did, and is what I needed.
And now I float in peace, in the hills and the valleys I float. I am surrounded by love and peace. And I am surrounded by who I am, which is acceptance of peace. And I love and this floating that I do. Every time I change position, I send love. I send love to you. I send love out to all. That is the nature of this floating existence. Being in balance. Being all. Calm. Allowing visions to come and go. Inhaling the memory of sweet scents. Of the smell of a baby, of the smell of roses. And lilies and ferns and pine trees. And grass. And sea water and wet dog. And shit, haha. All so beautiful memories. And I thank you for giving life to me so that I could experience all of it. And I could bring all of it with me. Nothing is lost. Nothing is lost.
When you think of the sounds of the cosmos, and I am all, now I am the sounds of the cosmos -- when you think of what I have access to -- it is everything. And in this peaceful balance, which is my reality, I can access and float into and join with and be every kind of imagined beauty that I want. I have free rein. I can go anywhere I want. I have no restrictions. If I am aware of something other than that idea of self, which is still an idea I recognize, I can follow that idea into its complete unfolding and rejoice. And I do. And I rejoice. It is my life and I rejoice. So far beyond what I knew when I was with you. So far beyond all possibility.
And I am with you all the time. I do not regret any of what I knew as reality for it brought me to you. For it brought me you. Just as you love me and I love you. I love you. Yes, I do.
Mother. Mother, Mother, Mother. I know you, I am in you. Mother, always, Mother, I love and rejoice in my being. Mother, I rejoice in my being.
I had been taught that suicide is spiritually wrong. I had always wondered what would happen on the soul level when someone took their own life. What a relief it was to feel and to read Sam' words.
Regarding the appearance of the portrait, which of course is the large image at the top of this post, the first thing I saw was this beautiful floating metallic gold and iridescent white. In this system that flows through me when I create these portraits, metallic gold is the color of source energy. And so, of course, because she is now part of undifferentiated source, that's so large and important in her expression of herself now.
And then there was all of this iridescent white that is mostly in the center of the piece, although it also extends through the gold frame. Iridescent white is the color of angelic energy. We are all partially angels. And it is the angel within us that has our best interests at heart. that holds us in sacred safety. And that's who she is. She is floating in her angelic source nature.
Now the other colors. The next color that I saw was light green. Green is the color of healing and harmony, and her soul has experienced perfect healing. And so there is in this portrait perfect healing in the green and where there is green, there is also a little turquoise curve. Turquoise tells us that something new is in the works, has been achieved; a new understanding, a new way of being, a newness of selfhood, and so that is also that is also who she is now: a new understanding of self and the possibility of self in great joy and perfect ease and acceptance.
So she is now floating, having healed herself and now experiencing the incandescent joy of being able to simply be with no expectations, no instructions, no directions, no impulse from within or without to be other than what she is completely and what she is, is angelic Source energy and healed human.
There was light language here, which indicates the presence of off planet consciousness. And yet there are no other iridescent or metallic colors, which in this system that flows through me is the visual key to off planet reality because it is in her humanity that she was healed. It was her human self that needed and received healing.
And so that's what we had. We had her human healing present here. And the spirals both in turquoise indicating new understandings, and pink, which is the color of love.
And Sam ended with this joyous note: