Suicide: an epilogue
I am at ease...Peace is who I am. Peace is what I send to you. Peace is what I am. Peace in balance I now. Finally, peace in balance.
(This post continues a mini-series of posts recounting the beginning of my experiencing downloads of information from an expanded part of my awareness in the early 80s.)
In 1980 I was married and working part time as a counselor in the youth employment program at the Schenectady Boys’ Club. I had a five year old son (the center of my universe), a loving husband, and a wonderful dog. In July of that year a psychic reading changed my way of thinking about myself, and stimulated a flow of what I described as downloads from an expanded part of the constellation of awareness that was my unbounded Self.
My perception of the source of this flow was paradoxical. I felt the information streaming into my mind as if from someone not at all related to me in any way, and yet, a being not separate from my multidimensional self. I quickly grasped that I, and every other created
The downloads came upon me with regularity. They offered me entree into what felt like castles of knowledge. During each session, imaginary, invisible doors on varying levels opened into chambers of specific inquiry. I often felt that I was being brought up, down, or sideways, according to the kind of information I needed to know.
At first I was tempted to call these sources my guides, but when I had that thought – “Oh, this being is one of my guides” – I felt a disharmonious shudder in the gel that was my mind. In future transmissions, my instructors would tell me impatiently that we had much to do, and that the separation caused by my perception of them as more evolved, more spiritually worthy, and more divine (I plead guilty to all), was hampering the important business we were about. I soon learned to think of them as my colleagues, while simultaneously knowing them as distant aspects of my own being in a matrix so vast I could not possibly conceive of the “me” who contained all these aspects.
You’ll see in this post a few blocks of text set off by a vertical line to their left. Each of these blocks is my translation of the paragraph directly above, which is exactly the message I felt in my mind. I offer these translations as clarifications, and if you don’t need them, rest assured that you won’t be missing anything if you choose not to read them.
8/18/80 I asked, “What is this contact and why is it necessary?
“How we have failed in the past is related to the expectations we have worked hard to counteract in the hopes of those who have barraged us with their railings at the sky. Human beings have forever cried, “WHY?”
In our fury, our desperation, our grief, and our pain, we aim our demands at an imagined omnipotence, unable and often unwilling to accept a partnership in creating solutions for the problems we want to lay at the door of the unknown. It has been very difficult to talk sense with people who have been desperate for solutions of a panacea-like nature. This is one of the reasons that we are so delighted to have made contact with one who is receptive and hopeful, but whose needs are not hanging on the lifeline this is. The only way we can transmit the possibilities open to mankind is to be able to explore. You see, it is precisely because of the mutual nature of this undertaking that we can make such progress.
Not everything is known beforehand. It is entirely possible that as the reality happens it alters things that are going on at the same time at any other place. We cannot tell you that such and such and such a thing is going to happen, but we can suggest that it would be very good for such and such a thing to happen.
But we cannot order. Only those who are on the material plane can make things happen. Why do you think we sent one down to the earth plane to teach the lesson?
I thought of Jesus, who, if the story is correct, suffered horribly as a result. (And if the story is a hoax, as some posit, it nonetheless stands as a cautionary tale: don’t buck the party line, or you may be dreadfully sorry, even if you are pure enough to ask forgiveness for your torturers.)
If it had been possible for the lessons to happen in the non-material realm, we certainly would have preferred it so. It is true that it is easier for thoughts and concepts to be grasped and accepted without the body’s oppressive drag of material weight and the ensuing passions, hungers and needs that the body and all its corporeal logic present. It is indeed a challenge. But – and here’s the catch: the lessons can only be incorporated into the soul through the body. That is why the word has as its core the word for body in Latin: corpore. Body.
The word is indeed spirit made flesh, and there is no way it can be changed until the vast majority of life on the planet has evolved to the point where the body is no longer necessary for the evolution of the species. So until we – you, actually – have done without the body in your mind – that is, until the point that you believe that it is no longer necessary to have the body, and that means all of you, you will have to go through all that you do in the body.
So it really is necessary to do this message-taking.
It happens that the ideas are not formed well in the body, but we need the body and the bodied person to receive ideas and put them into action. You, and your compadres of the spiritual country. We cannot promise a thing (to get back to our original explanation). We can only put forth what we know and hope that you will do your part in living the lessons that we teach. And the last you refers, of course, to the mass of people. The lesson already learned, that we are all in this together, is certainly true.
The first few times I felt the physical sensations of the downloads starting, I hadn’t known that there would be many words I would want to record. By this date, I had come to expect that there would be pages, and so I had a fresh sheet of paper in my typewriter, and more at hand.
8/19/80 (Still fiddling around with the mechanism)
This session started with a perceptible shifting around, as if my instructors couldn’t find the right position, shifting their hypothetical weight, crossing one leg and then the other, leaning this way and that.
The amount of scheduling necessary to complete the agenda should not outweigh the results. We can arrange it given enough prior notice.
We hope you have been fulfilling your myafora [destiny-hope-direction] through the circumference of this union. Frequently we find stringent boundaries in those we need, and on our part the connections can funnel in rather loosely. What we are finding, though, is that your area is so flexible that the information we send should contain more impetus in direction.
In other words, my flexible openness allowed them to turn up the velocity; they didn’t have to be as careful as they have had to be with other people open to their information, but whose belief systems produced a narrower, or more stringently configured, pathway.
I wondered if I should be asking questions. The reply interrupted my wondering.
No, do not initiate the topic. The apparent weakness of the connection at the beginning will be strengthened in time. More water would help. We spoke yesterday about the importance of the body in these transmissions. Your comment to Ambrosius (They called Lee by this name.) was correct – the idea must prove itself through matter. The two halves are spirit and matter.
Darkness has been given an unfavorable cast because in the dark, matter becomes less obvious and very desirable for the insecure self. Where there is only spirit there is infinite possibility but nothing is finished. In spirit everything is in a constant and rapid state of becoming. In matter the same is true but matter retards development-evolution (while simultaneously being necessary for it to happen) so we don’t see change as quickly.
Matter is the bringing into finalization, but once the form is accomplished according to the original blueprints, the thing created acquires its own impetus and begins changing. Antiques are truly valuable not only because of the security of consistency which they represent to the normal perception but also due to the heavy accumulation of experience and adaptability of long, slow change which they embody.
We would prefer to change to a format more consistently possible. It seems that noon – or 12:15 – would be a good time. The isolation is also helpful. (I had moved into a room by myself.) It is Mathias who is directing this flow but the ideas and words are being sent by computer, as it were – by their own force, and it is for this reason that you do not perceive a “human” countenance or source.
I felt that I was receiving communication from a faceless source and didn’t understand why. Were these not ensouled beings? The transactions felt cold and distant on one hand, but immediate and compassionate on the other. Thinking about this, I saw a picture that
Amen. We love you and your effort.
8/20 (The partnership becomes clear)
We increasingly find that the material that seems to be coming through is relatively inconsequential. This is puzzling, but we are being directed by a higher force which doles out the contents as they come must.
“…which doles out the contents as they come must?” I had never heard or read sentence construction like this. Months later, watching “Star Wars”, I gasped in recognition when Yoda spoke similar sentences. Here are some prime examples, from a page devoted to Yoda’s speech pattern: http://theweek.com/articles/442256/why-strangely-yoda-speaks “Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they.”
Large spurts of energy are not always necessary for the accomplishments of great deeds. Finishing that which has been begun is always important. We have been conversing with you for years, and it is just now by the suggestion of one you trust ( David Massengill, the intuitive consultant to whom I had gone for the reading in July that stimulated this flow) that the messages are given import. The prior imagination that the messages were meanderings was correct to an extent. It has mostly to do with the state of becoming that was, as opposed to the present state of becoming, which has more to do with the increased sense of purpose to the life at stake. The direction recognized is merely the same as that which was chosen eons ago.
I am on the path that I have been on for eons, according to them. I never did have an idea of just how long “for years” meant, but I had been dreaming at the sky all my life, ever since I looked up from a patch of lilies of the valley in my backyard when I was five years old. But until July, 1980, when I emerged from the RV in which the intuitive reader David Massengill had introduced me to my colleagues in other realms, Andreas and Matthias, I had never put my lifelong yearning for the sky and all it held in my imagination together with a role I might play in bringing sky wisdom to use in my life and perhaps even in others’ lives.
However, as we stated before, it is always possible to affect present reality by the choices made at any one point. It would have been possible for you to have abandoned the choice, but there would have been, as you realized, a sense of emptiness. This is all to say – to verify – that indeed one should follow one’s lights. Nothing is all wrong, for it is impossible for a living being (that is all there are, as a matter of fact – the thought, dead being, is a very funny one, since it is the ultimate absurdity) to act wrongly. Wrong is wrong. It merely is a change of course, which probably necessitates a longer trip. Or more trips in the same realm. (trip = lifetime)
I was aware, as the transmissions came through, that the process was a partnership. I had to be willing to create the time and space; to put aside my arbitrary scheduling; to forego wine at or before the time of transmission; and my low self, particularly, had to be willing to play the translating game, facilitating impulses from the high self into meaningful images.
Several years earlier, I had taken a course in psychic development based on the Huna vision of the soul , in which I had learned how to see the integrated self as having three aspects. Very simply, Low Self comprises all memory, the physical body, and all emotion. High Self is what we tend to think of as our higher self, our divine self, or connection to the divine. Middle Self is the administrator, who makes sense of our life and creates order out of the plethora of stimuli in which we swim. Low Self receives an order from Middle Self and goes out into all creation to find what Middle Self has ordered: a blue dress, a parking place, a book on how to graft orchids, a new relationship, whatever we want in our lives. Low Self bypasses Middle Self in order to communicates directly with High Self.
Through that course, I had learned that my Low Self enjoyed contact with High Self more than anything else, so this newly recognized connection with expansive awareness was an easy and rewarding assignment. Thinking about God had always lifted me and stimulated my excitement at what my life was at its core. I had always hoped that divinity was my truest nature, and I had believed that my longing for union with the divine was fantasy.
These downloads would convince me that this union was real, not just for me, but for all being.